Blind Drinking

This weekend was a mess, but it made me forget what my reality has been. For one day, I forgot about suicide and anxiety and my mom and joe and I was just drunk and having fun. I had no control, which for some is really scary, but for me it was exhilarating. I could laugh and be distracted from my constant pain, but it only lasts so long. The decisions I made when I was in my euphoric state upset me. At the end of the day, I couldn’t just be the girl who was having fun at a party, but rather the girl who got belligerently drunk and made out with a random dude in front of all her coworkers. Andddddd the anxiety is back. Now another aspect of my life has been altered. My dream right now would be to start over in a world where no one knows me and I know no one. No one has baggage or ugly pasts, but rather we all start fresh. That isn’t life though. I almost want to stop drinking because the only reason I am enjoying it right now is to escape my reality. Alcohol is better than love. They say love is blind and you forgive the ones who deserve it the least, but alcohol is better. You become blind to reality because your perspective changes completely. You transform within your body and adopt a new persona that no one is really familiar with. It also makes you feel more alone than you have ever been before. Now I want everything to end more than before in a way. I keep adding turmoil to my life and I feel alone. I downloaded this app called “The Pattern” and it was so spot on it was insane. It caught patterns about my childhood and how they affect my present. People put on a front and say they want to be there for you, but it isn’t true. They just don’t want to be responsible if something were to happen. No one really knows how to be there for someone, except your family. But I don’t have that. I thought things would become easier, but they aren’t and I feel like my hole is getting deeper and deeper and deeper. When will it end?