My First Blog Post

Happiness is a choice you have to choose every time you wake up.

Simply existing can be the hardest thing in someone’s life. Who are you? What makes you happy? Who cares about you? What is your purpose? Traumatic events stump the logical reasoning associated with life. They engulf your mind and change your perspective in the blink of an eye. I was sexually assaulted 3 times by the boy I loved my sophomore year of college. I initially thought that I had escaped the emotional backlash associated with this type of event, but I later found out that it had affected me in a way I couldn’t imagine. My life was forever altered by something that wasn’t even my choice. I tried to make the most out of it by giving him many chances because maybe if we worked out and were happy I wouldn’t have to deal with my reality. My perspective on life has changed. I don’t know what makes me truly happy anymore. I go through the motions of life. I was taught how to succeed in school and life by my parents at an early age, so I have been focusing on that aspect , but when I lay down at night the thoughts overtake me and launch me into a reality that I can’t handle. It’s almost too much to process at times. I realized about 6 months ago that I couldn’t get past this event on my own, so I started researching therapists. I just recently started attending therapy and it has been hitting me how long and strenuous this process is going to be. I almost want to give up. Why did this happen to me? Why am I going through this? Why won’t my mother realize that I have been through something so terrible? I have had to find support in my friends, rather than my family. My mom thinks that I could have stopped the sexual assault from happening if I hadn’t gone home with him that night, but we were together, so I didn’t think anything of it. My friends are my rock, but at the end of the day I want my Mom’s support. They can be there for me, but I will always crave that unconditional support from her. Sexual assault is never the victims fault. There is never a justification for actions like that. There are times in the day where I don’t want to try anymore. I have hit my limit of being tough. I want to give up. Then there are times where I am ready to fight and get past it. What is the point anymore? I feel like if I get past the sexual assault and I find happiness I still have to deal with the unhealthy relationship between me and my mom. It is always going to be an uphill climb for me. Am I up for it?